Closure
- Installment #8
Well I finished it ... and now that I've
had the chance to take a step back and listen with more
perspective,
I'm a little freaked out. I mean here it is, ... proof that
I'm a complete obsessive nut case. I am giving my family so
much ammunition right now, I can't even believe it. I can just
imagine it, ... I'm defending myself (for some reason it seems
I'm always in this position) saying something like "no,
no really I wouldn't do that, ... I'm not crazy!!" and
then of course the response is "oh really? then explain Redd
Blood Cells". Well whatever the damage is done
...
I've recently realized how truly valid fear of embarrassment
is. I used to think, "ah man, who cares what they think" and
I still agree that's a great ideal. But the honest truth is
... I care what they think, ...whoever
the hell they are, and the last thing I ever want is to be is embarrassed by
it. That being said, then what the hell have I been doing for the last 8 weeks
or so? I suppose the flip side of embarrassment would be validation or approval,
which I guess I'm guilty of seeking. Ok now I'm getting into stuff that should
be reserved for shrinks only. No but it's true fear of embarrassment is very
real and although Redd Blood Cells does show signs that I'm
not entirely sane, and yes even a bit of an attention hog, the music itself,
... the cd if you will, I never need to feel embarrassed about, because it's
really, really good. I mean I know it started out already good, ... but I would
say, at worst I didn't mess it up (which could have been really embarrassing),
and then at best, ... well everyone will decide for themselves, and if you
think I ruined it, ... I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself and
whatever message board that cares to commiserate with you. I know early on
I said something to the effect of "perhaps this project will only serve
to affirm the validity of my instruments absence". And it is true on some
of the songs I found myself struggling to not "get in the way", ...
hopefully in those instances I didn't mess it up. But then there are a few
times where I really exceeded my expectations, and the results are so pleasing
I get giddy every time I listen to it. My big picture point is this; at the
end of the day if all I have to guide me through the creative decisions of
my life is, ... "will it eventually be embarrassing for me?" well
then so be it. I know it may sound as if I'm not aiming very high, but at the
same time I'm willing to take the chance of being embarrassed, especially considering
how much RBC turned out to the contrary.
But then of course there is the question of how Jack and Meg feel
about the whole thing. Have they heard it? Do they like it? Do they hate it?
To be honest I have no idea. I've only met Jack twice, both
times for about 5 minutes or so, and Meg, well I've spent
even less time with her. I originally thought that they would be insulted,
or somehow challenged by my project. But then I realized their lives have to
be so crazy right now, aside from me telling them about it myself, they probably
know very little about RBC, much less having actually heard
it. Maybe it's their approval I seek, ... Underneath all of this, I've chosen
two near perfect strangers to take on the challenge of validating me. OK that's
one pointless theory that I'm sure I can hypothesize on forever, or could it
be that I'm simply trying to cultivate a sense of creative community that I
can support and be supported by?... Don't know about that one either, the truth
probably lies somewhere in between the two theories. I would like to think
it leans closer to the latter, but even that seems naively idealistic for my
years. Not to inspire harassment but my suggestion to anyone that cares to
know what they think, ask them yourself. Go to their next show in your town
with your mp3 player and a pair of headphones (ones that have some bass response
hopefully), and should you get the opportunity to meet a white stripe post
show, slap those phones on one of their heads and make them deal with it. OK
i'm kind of kidding about that, ... I don't think I would even have the nerve
to be that obtrusive, ... yeah, yeah bad idea don't do that, I cant' be responsible
for that kind of behavior. Oh then of course there is the simple theory that
all RBC has been to me is a cheap stunt to attract publicity
for my own selfish gain ... Well I would be a liar if I claimed to have no
self-serving motive behind the inception of this project, but ... Well I think
the music speaks for itself. There's heart in those tracks, and although I
have been known to try my hand at the odd acting job, I'm really not very good.
There's no way to fake the authenticity that I found myself overwhelmed with
while recording my parts. I love this record, ... I love both records "Redd" and "White" but
I'm prouder of Redd Blood Cells, ... But seriously, ... here
it is for one more day Redd Blood Cells in it's entirety,
and then ... well I guess I'm quitting the band? ... Back to the real world,
which luckily for me is not a bad proposition at all, but I tell you there's
going to be a little Redd and White void
in my life. Well at least we can cherish the moment we had together for a long
time to come. Thank you to my gracious bandmates Jack and Meg for
if nothing else turning a blind eye to my little experiment. Thank you to everyone
who gave a f@#k and checked in each week to see if I had met my weekly deadline.
I dedicate Redd Blood Cells to my lovely wife Anna who
put up with the psycho that called himself Steven White for
the last few months, you are the real deal.
Enjoy
for the last time,
Steven
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